My WHY

What drives you? What makes you wake up every morning with such a high magnitude of drive and ambition? Why now? WHY?

I've had several people ask me these questions and I constantly ask myself on a regular basis. What keeps me going?

Lets go back in time.

October 22, 1986 I was born in a Women's Clinic in Fresno, California. Life to me as a young child was great. I had a great family environment, lots of smiles, laughs and overall LOVE. Granted I was young but my mind didn't know better. I was free. My life was grand.

Until one day all of that changed. 6 years old and uprooted from a place I called home and transported across the country to a foreign place. Richmond, Virginia. I had no idea how to perceive this life change. My whole family and life as I knew it was still in California. I can honestly say that's when my attitude towards life changed. I HATED my life and everyone around me. Forced to "love" a step-father who didn't give 2 cares in the world about me and forced to "forget" who I truly called Daddy and what love is "supposed" to feel like. I was no longer in control of my emotions and left dazed and confused. Growing up as a teenage girl, I was not given lessons from my mother as to what a woman really is and no lessons from my father (or father figure) as to what true love is.

Several attempts at suicide and an overall feeling of FAILURE in my life. I eventually didn't want to try to be who society wanted me to be. I had no lessons on how to get there and I was constantly viewed as worthless. "A riot child who just wants attention." I wanted direction. Approval. LOVE. When I realized that was something I wasn't going to get, I gave up. Turned to what made me feel good. Random men, drugs, alcohol. Anything that could take me out of the moment. I just wanted to feel free again.

This lasted for years. Many years.

Until God saw my death on the horizon. He had to do something fast or else He knew I was going to die.

Bryce Addai Johnson. 21 inches. 8 pounds 3 ounces. 1:49pm. January 13, 2011 my bouncing baby boy was born. Hearing his cry instantly brought me to tears. For that brief moment of him saying "Mommy I'm ok", I caught a quick glimpse of a day in California. Sunshine. Perfect weather. Smiles. Laughter. I saw life. I heard life. I saw love. I heard love. For the first time in my life. I was IN love.

I knew from that point I had to do whatever it would take to keep that love. I do not want my child to experience a broken heart before it was even truly put together. It's my job to show him life. How to live it. How to be it. But I had no idea how to do it.

I knew what I didn't want my son to experience, so I did the opposite. Eventually I started feeling that wasn't enough. He's getting older. Wiser. Curious. I have to expand my horizons. I have to broaden my love. But how? I don't even know what love is.

"You have to love yourself. I can't love you if you don't love yourself." Words from an ex-boyfriend constantly echoed through my head. He was right. Brutal. But right.

That's when my true journey with P90X began. Yeah I had attempted it before. But I wasn't really serious about it. What can working out for 60 minutes a day possible do to my self-esteem? Turns out a lot. Every day my confidence was built because the prior day I had just completed a workout that I didn't deem myself worthy of completing. I had to keep going. I had to maintain that sense of accomplishment. Eventually my eating habits changed too. Tony Horton was speaking to me in ways that no one else could imagine. He convinced me to keep going. "Forget the rest and do your best." Even to this day that quote from him replays in my head. He's right. The past is the past. Today is my moment. Today can and will be better than yesterday.

90 days later. 20 pounds gone. WOW! What else could I possibly achieve?! I was on a roll. No need to stop now. A 2 year old that loves watching me workout and pretending to do squats and pushups. He's learning from my drive and ambition. He's experiencing first hand the freedom that's restored in ey through working out.

1 10k finished and halfway through the INSANITY program. I know that if I keep going and complete Insanity that I can do anything. My past does not define me. My future is what drives me.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13